There are going to be times in someone’s life where they are right and there are going to be times when they are wrong. If human beings were all-knowing, then this wouldn’t be something that would occur.
However, as it is not possible for someone to know everything there is to know, there are going to be times when they are wrong. This is not something for one to be ashamed of; it is simply part of life. Yet, although this is the case, it doesn’t mean that one is able to accept this fact. And as a result of this, it can cause someone to come across as though they are always right. Men and Women It is often said that women are always right and that men are always wrong, and vice versa. What this shows is that this doesn’t just relate to one gender, and that both genders can have the same outlook. One may have a boss who acts in this way, a member of their family, or they could be in a relationship with someone like this. Therefore, it doesn’t matter whether someone is male or female, or what role they play in society. Disconnected When someone does come across in this way, it is going to show that they are disconnected from themselves. They are no longer in touch with the fact that they are a fallible human being, and that it is not possible for them to be perfect. But even though one is out of touch with their true nature, it doesn’t mean they realise this. They could be completely convinced that they are ‘always right, and it is then not just an outlook they have - it is the truth of who they are. Superiority Through having this outlook, it is going to be normal for someone to believe that they are superior to others. Unlike other human beings who have moments where they get things wrong; this is not something they are familiar with. However, even though they have this outlook, it doesn’t mean that other people are always going to agree with them. While there are likely to be people who do look up to them, there are going to be others who see them as deluded. Denial And in order for them to maintain the identity that they have formed, it will be important for them to overlook the times where they are wrong. They may have developed the ability to know how to win when it comes to arguments. Facing reality is not going to a priority; what will be a priority is using denial to protect themselves from having to face reality. How they are seen in the eyes of others will take precedence over their need to grow. Growth Even if someone is classed as being intelligent, they are still going to be learning new things every day. This is because change is part of life, and new information is constantly being created. When one believes they are always right, it is going to stop them from being able to embrace that fact that learning is a lifelong pursuit. And as a result of this, they are going to stop themselves from growing. Out of Balance One’s need to be right will have created an impenetrable field around them, and this is going to stop them from being able to receive. And while this is going to cause them to suffer in one way or another, it will be important for them to stop others from realising this. Creativity and Curiosity It may also be challenge for them to be creative, and this is because they are stuck on the inside. All the time nothing is changing internally, it is not going to be possible for them to create anything new. The desire to learn something is result of one being curious, and if someone believes they know everything, it is going to stop them from being curious. Similar to how if one has just eaten a meal, they are not going to be hungry Highly Knowledgeable However, even though there will be some people who have this outlook and don’t take the time to learn, there will be others who will be obsessed with learning. They might end up being focused on one area, or they might find out as much as they can about everything. Through knowing so much, it will give them the knowledge they need to act as though they are always right and that they know everything. But as they can only learn so much and they don’t have god-like powers, this is approach is not going to work. Two Experiences When someone believes that they are always right or that they know everything, it shows that it is not possible for them to be wrong or to admit that they don’t know everything. They are going to experience life differently to someone who believes they are always wrong and that they don’t know anything. But although each experience is different on the outside, there a strong chance that their inner experience is the same. While one person has ended up being overwhelmed by how they feel, the other person has gone to the other extreme. Reaction Formation As a way to avoid how they feel about themselves, they have created a false self. This has caused them to disconnect from the fact they are simply human, and it has caused them to believe that they are more-than human. If they were to come back down to earth and to face up to the fact that it is not possible for them to always be right or to know everything, they are going to have to face how they feel. This is likely to be a time where they end up feeling as though they are less-than human, and this is going to mean that they are carrying toxic shame. Toxic Shame Being wrong or not knowing everything is going to be seen as something that will cause other people to see how flawed they are and to abandon them. Toxic shame will have infiltrated their whole being, and this will have caused them to be disconnected from their inherent worth. And this will mean that if they are unable to come across as though they are above others, they will have to come across as though they are below them. What this shows is how painful toxic shame is, and how one will do everything they can to avoid it. Where Did It Come From? While one may have developed a shame based identity as a result of what has taken place in their adult years, it is more likely to have come about through the experiences they had during their childhood. During these years, one may have been abused and/or neglected. Awareness Toxic shame makes one want to hide, and this is why it will be important for them to come out of hiding. This doesn’t mean that someone physically hides, as they could just as easily hide behind a mask. A therapist and/or a support group can give one the support they need to let go of their false self. This can take place through one grieving their unmet childhood needs and for their inherent worth to be affirmed.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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If one was to watch athletics on TV or at a stadium, they would soon see that not everyone is on the same level. Within each race, there will be some athletes who are at the front and there will be others who nowhere near the front. In this instance, it is clear that some of the athletes are better than others. One is not being ‘politically incorrect’ by saying this; they are making a simple observation. Very few athletes break records or win medals and even if they do win a medal at one event, it doesn’t mean they will go on to win anymore. Human Beings So although each athlete that participates is a human being, if one only focused on their performance and ignored their appearance, it might be hard for them to see how they are all from the same planet. It could be said that this is because some people are born this way and/or it could be put down to how hard they train. However, even though some athletes are better than others, it doesn’t mean that they are inherently better. At the end of the day, they are human beings who have come into the world in the same way and who will go out of the world in the same way. Everyday Life Yet, one doesn’t need to watch athletics in order to see that human beings are not always the same when it comes to what they can and can’t do. When one has the ability to do something in a way that others can’t, it can cause them to believe they are superior. Having said that, even if one doesn’t have certain ability or talent, it doesn’t mean they won’t have the same outlook. What they can or can’t do is then irrelevant; as one is above others and that’s all there is to it. Outlook Based on their outlook, they have something that other people don’t have, or what very few people have. The people they associate with could also have the same outlook or they might spend their time around people who are ‘below’ them. If one was to spend their time people who are think they are better than others, it might support what they think, but there is also the chance that this could make them feel uncomfortable. It could all depend on how convinced they are of their superiority and how they feel in any given moment. Behaviour This could cause them to come across as arrogant or they could come across in such a way that people actually believe they are better than others. One reason why people would believe this is because of what they have achieved. Through other people putting them on a pedestal, it reinforces their sense of superiority. When one has this outlook, they are going to want to block out anything that could invalidate how they see themselves. Society One’s sense of superiority may also be something that is supported by the society they live in. This could relate to what they look like, their career, their level of education and/or who their parents are. If one looks a certain way, they can end up believing they are better than others form a very early age. The reason they would believe this is because they are likely to be treated differently. As to whether they get caught up in this might all depend on the guidance they receive from their caregivers. Down To Earth But while there will be people who think they are better than other people because of these factors and many others, there will also be people who are still in touch with their humanity. In this case, it won’t matter what they look like or what they have achieved. When someone acts as if they are better than others, it shows that they are out of touch with their emotions. This is because when one is in touch with how they feel, it will be a lot harder for them to act as if they are better than others. One of the emotions that keep human beings in check is shame. Two Types Through having the ability to experience shame, one will realise that they are simply human; they are not above others and neither are they below them. When one doesn’t have the ability to experience shame, it can cause them to disconnect from what makes them human. This is something that can take place when one has experienced what is often called toxic shame. Toxic shame will cause one to feel as though they deeply flawed and as though they are less-than human. Unbearable Healthy shame will cause one to feel bad, but they won’t feel as though they are inherently bad and as time passes, the experience they are having is likely to pass. Yet, when it comes to toxic shame, one will believe that there is nothing they can do about what is taking place within them and the experience will stay with them. It won’t be just a feeling or something they believe, it will be who they are. And due to how unbearable it will be, it will be normal for one to disconnect from the experience and to go from one extreme to another. Above Others This will mean that not only will one be out of touch with their toxic shame; they will also be out of touch with their healthy shame. It will then be normal for them to believe that they are better than others. If they were to let go of this outlook, they would have to face what is within them and this would be overwhelming. When one thinks they are better than others, they are protecting themselves from what is taking place at a deeper level. Awareness Toxic shame can appear as a result of some kind of abuse and while it could relate to what has happened in one’s adult years, it could also be the result of what happened during their childhood. If one wants to come back down to earth and to realise they are only human, it will be important for them to reach out for support. The external support will provide one with the acceptance that they need in order to let go of their toxic shame. This will allow them to realise that they are not inherently flawed. Another important part will be for one to grieve their unmet childhood needs. This support can come from a therapist, healer, support group and/or a trusted friend. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When someone is addicted to something, they can feel the need to go the other extreme and to cut it out all together. And while this can seem like the right idea, it might not have the desired effect. Another approach would be to cut down on the amount that one has of something; this will allow one to enjoy what they were doing before, but in moderation. However, this can all depend on what one was addicted to in the first place; as it may be something that they need to cut out altogether. Moderation When one is able to cut down, they won’t need to go from one extreme to the other and this will allow them to accept both sides. There will be moments when they can have what they want and moments when they can’t. For example: one might find that they have gained too much weight and end up doing everything they can to remove all fat from their diet. Yet, while this might seem to be the right thing to do, it is likely to cause problems down the line. A Common Occurrence There are many other examples of how one can go from one side to the other, and while this is not always the best approach to take, it is a common occurrence. If one’s behaviour is not leading to their desired outcome, they can end up doing the complete opposite. This could be because this is what someone else has suggested or one might believe that this is the best option available. And if one is in a position where they need to lose weight or want to change how they behave, they might not want to take their time. A Quick Fix Their focus will then be on getting what they want as soon as possible and not on whether this is the best approach to take in the long run. There is the chance that one will get what they want without too much time passing, but this quick fix might soon wear of and it could have a negative effect on their life. However, during times of need and desperation, one’s mind is often taken over by their emotions. This is similar to how when one is hungry or thirsty, they can eat or drink anything. It might not matter how good it is; their body is calling out and that’s all that matters. Approval If one is consumed by what other people think of them it is going to stop them from being able to live their life. It won’t be possible for them to follow their own truth and this is because they will be focused on others. One could put up with this or they could look for ways to experience life differently. Before long, they might soon come across the outlook that they shouldn’t care what other people think. They could come to the conclusion that this is exactly what they have been looking for and this is because it will allow them to lead the life they want. The Answer If one hasn’t been able to be themselves, it is only natural that this will be seen as the answer. This will allow one to live in their own world and to no longer be affected by others. When it comes to living this way or living a life where one is constantly trying to please others, it is easy to see which one is the best option. In order to achieve this, one might be advised to think differently and to change their behaviour. Change So as time passes, one might start to change their behaviour and to work towards things that they had put off for so long, among other things. Their level of happiness and success could start to rise as a result. However, while caring about what other people think is often seen as a bad thing, this is not always the case. Having the ability to care about what others think is part of having empathy. This doesn’t mean that one has to constantly walks on eggshells; what it means is that one is able to put themselves in other person’s shoes. Empathy There will be times when it will be important for one to not care about what others think and there will be times when it will be. But to go from one extreme to the other is going to cause one to come across as cold and as though they have no empathy. If one is unable to behave as they want to behave, it is clear sign that they are too caught up in what other people think. But this doesn’t mean that they have to stop themselves from having empathy. If one wanted to enter a career that their friends or family are against, this may be a sign that one needs to put other people’s views to one side. Anti-Social Yet, if one lived next door to others and started bagging in the middle of the night or if they were to drive around a neighbourhood around the same time with their music blaring, it would be a good idea for them to care about what other people think. This shows that it is not black white and how one needs to have the ability to care what other people think; it will all depend on what it relates to. Caring about what others think is therefore not just about approval; it is also about having empathy. Developmental Needs One approach would be for one to disconnect from their emotions and to no longer care about other people think. Another approach would be for one to look at why they have a high need for approval. This may mean that their developmental needs were not met whilst they were growing up. On one side, this would have stopped them from being able to develop a strong sense of self and on the other; it would have prevented them from being able to emotionally separate from their caregivers. Awareness When this separation takes place, one will be strong enough to live their own truth without needing to completely cut themselves of from what other people think. In order to do this, one will need to be affirmed for who they are and they will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are things that are around today that are seen as being perfect but as time passes, they will be seen as imperfect. And this is how life has always been and something that will continue to take place. What this shows is how life doesn’t stand still and that there is always something new or different waiting to be revealed. When something is new or different, it could be seen as better and as the next step. But while this can be the case, if it wasn’t for what took place before the ‘next step’ arrived, it wouldn’t be able to appear. This shows that it’s not that the previous step or the creation is imperfect; it is that it was just another step. A Label To say that something is perfect or imperfect is simply a label that human beings use to describe things that don’t match up to a certain requirement. If something was created and didn’t need to be altered or changed, then it would be perfect. But in reality, this is not how it works; that is unless one is referring to nature. A tree for instance is not seen as imperfect, it is accepted for what it is. It is also likely that the tree doesn’t think about how it needs to change or to be something else – it is able to just be. The Best Version So when something is put together, it is often the best possible version based on what the people know who have put it together. And as time goes by they will see things differently and gain a new understanding; as a result of this, what they have created externally will change. The alternative would be to do nothing and to wait until everything is ‘perfect’. However, if they were to do this, they would never do anything and there would be no progress. Not only does this apply to organisations or companies, it also applies to individuals. A Process What this comes down to is how life is a process and not something that comes to an end once something has taken place (that is unless the world was to come to an end, but then there might be something else). This means that once something has been created it won’t be long until it will need to be altered in some way or completely changed. With this in mind, perfection is nothing more than an illusion and has no basis in reality. Once something has been created, it will soon be replaced by something else and this is how life works. In each moment, one is doing the best they can with what they know. Pressure When one realises that perfection doesn’t exist they are not going to feel the need to get everything right. This will allow them to work hard at something and to try new things without setting themselves up to suffer unnecessarily. If something does go wrong, it will be seen as something they need to work on and that it’s not the end of the world. But if one believes that they need to get everything right, when someone does go wrong it could be taken to heart. Expectations So the first person realises that they will make mistakes and that not everything will go to plan. This is something they are able to accept as they dont feel the need to be perfect. They are only human after all and this means they are not perfect. When it comes to the person who believes they need to get everything right, they will not want to make mistakes. To do so will be a sign that they are not perfect and in their model of the world being perfect is the only option Imperfect They will feel the need to be perfect and to get everything right. This is going to stop them from taking action and if they do make a mistake, they could end up hiding it from others. One way this can take place is through procrastination and while one won’t be able to move forward, they will be able to avoid feeling ‘imperfect’ for a short while. Even though being perfect is an illusion, they are likely to see some people as being perfect and as having it all together. And this can then cause one to feel even worse and increase their need to be perfect. One could also become a workaholic in order to match up to others and to stop people from noticing their ‘flaws’. Two Choices When it comes to people who feel the need to be perfect, they will either have to face up to the fact that they are imperfect or they can do everything they can to be perfect. Whereas, when it comes to the people who don’t feel the need to be perfect, they are not going to experience life in this way. They are simply human and the need to get everything right or to always look right is not going to enter their mind. So if one feels the need to be perfect it shows that they feel flawed and being perfect is the only way for them to change how they feel about themselves. Toxic Shame The reason one views themselves as flawed can be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. There is healthy shame and this is part of having a conscience, and then there is toxic shame and this causes one to feel less-than human. One doesn’t just feel bad, they are bad and it is who they are. And as they feel flawed, it can cause them to do everything they can to come across as being the opposite of how they feel. To them, it is only possible for them to feel less-than others or to do everything they can to come across as being more-than others. Awareness Toxic shame can be the result of childhood abuse and this can be verbal, physical, emotional and/or sexual. And even though the years have passed, the emotional experiences of the past will have remained in their body. So these will need to be faced and released and this takes place, one will begin to feel human once more or perhaps for the first time. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be required. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are some people who come across as confident and as though nothing fazes them, and then there are others who are the complete opposite. Based on how they behave, they will be seen as lacking confidence and as though they can’t handle life. But while people are often are labelled as being a certain way, this might not reflect reality. As there will be moments when the label they are given is inaccurate and therefore doesn’t match up with what they are always like. The Environment Just because someone is confident and outgoing in one environment, it doesn’t mean they will be the same in another. This is partly because one’s environment is constantly having an effect, and this means that one won’t always feel comfortable in their surroundings. One could find that they are able to ‘be themselves’ in certain contexts, but when they are in others, it could be a challenge for them to maintain their sense of self. And this is likely to be something that everyone experiences from time to time. Growth Through being in different situations, one will experience pressure and this will enable them to grow. They will be able to discover parts of themselves that they were unaware of and to grow in confidence. However, while it is important for one to test themselves and to move out of their comfort zone, this is something that has to be done in the right way. For example: if one goes too far or doesn’t take their time, they could end up doing more harm than good. Instead of moving forward and experiencing an increase in their self belief, they could feel overwhelmed and even traumatised. Pushing oneself is therefore important, but it has to be done in the right way. Two Types For the people who are confident and outgoing, they could find it easy to leave their comfort zone. Yet for people who are not confident and outgoing, this could be something they have great difficulty with. This doesn’t mean that the people in the first example are always this way or that the people in the second example are either, what it means is that this is how they generally come across. But with both types of people, there are going to be exceptions. The Ideal If someone was asked if they would rather be outgoing or withdrawn, they might end up saying outgoing. Here, one is going to feel comfortable with attention and talking to people they know and to people they have never spoken to before. Another way to describe someone like this would be to say that they are an extrovert, or that they come across as one at certain times. There will then be times when this person acts like an introvert and is far from outgoing. Withdrawn When one is not outgoing, they could feel uncomfortable with attention and prefer to listen than to speak. In the eyes of others they could be labelled as being ‘shy’ and this could be how one describes themselves. This doesn’t mean that one accepts how they are, as it could be something they want to change. Ultimately, one has the need to maintain who they are around others and to no longer lose themselves or to ‘retract’. Being Seen So when it comes to people who are outgoing, being seen is something they feel comfortable with. Conversely, for people who feel shy, being seen is something that makes them feel uncomfortable. One might find that when they around the same-sex they are fine but as soon as it comes to the opposite sex, they end up feeling ‘shy’. This could happen when one is around authority figures or during those moments when they have to speak in front of others. Normal This could be how one has always been and they could then come to the conclusion that it’s ‘who they are’ or that they were ‘born this way’. But just because one has been this way for quite some time and the people around them see it as who they are, it doesn’t mean that it reflects their true nature. It fact, being shy could simply be a way for them to regulate how they feel and to protect themselves. This doesn’t mean what is taking place within them is always validated by their current reality, as it could be due to what happened to them in the past. Toxic Shame There could have been a time in one’s life where they experienced some kind of abuse and this while their adult years may have played a part; it is likely to have been their childhood that had the biggest impact. Here, one may have been physically, emotionally, verbally and/or sexually abused. These experiences would have caused one to experience toxic shame and this means that one would have come to believe there was something inherently wrong with them. Unlike healthy shame when one feels bad and then it soon subsides, toxic shame causes one to feel as though they are bad and this is something that doesn’t go away. Consequences So as one feels less-than human and therefore worthless, the last thing they will want is to be the centre of attention or to stand out (That is unless they have disconnected from their shame and become shameless; in this case, one might come across as arrogant and act as if they are better than others). So the only way that can stop people from realising how flawed they are is to avoid being seen. If they were seen, it could result in them being humiliated and then abandoned. This doesn’t mean that one is consciously aware of what is taking place within then, as this could by mystery. But whether one is aware of it or not, it is still causing them to lose themselves around others and to hide their true-self. Awareness One is no longer a child and what happened all those years ago is in the past, but how they felt during those years has stayed trapped in their body. These emotional experiences of the past will need to be face and released. As this happens, one will gradually begin to realise they are simply human and not less-than human. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While the ideal might be for one to experience a balanced sense of self worth, this is not always what takes place. Instead, one might experience life in such a way that they feel up one moment and down the next. This is not to say that one won’t have moments where they don’t feel up or down; as they may well have moments when this is the case. To have moments when one feels elated and moments where they feel dejected are part of life. But this is radically different to someone who feels as though they can take on the world one moment and as though they can’t get out of bed in the next. And there are going to be moments in everyone’s life when they feel good and moments when they feel bad. Emotional State This is part of the ebb and flow of life and how it is impossible for one to always feel good. At times, one is going to experience things externally and internally that will cause them to feel good, just as there will be internal and external experiences that will cause them to feel bad. The only way one would be able to stop themselves from feeling different would be for them to disconnect from their emotions or to take anti depressants or something similar. Here, one might be without emotions and end up being emotionally numb. They would no longer experience an emotional flow and they might find that they no longer feel down. But as a result of this inner change, one might find it difficult to feel good. The Difference So it is normal to experience a whole range of feelings and this plays a part in one being able to experience a rich and varied existence. If one always felt good for instance, they would become num to this feeling and it would lose its value. It is through having the ability to feel bad that one is able to appreciate feeling good. However, there are going to be some people who not only experience emotional ups and downs, but who experience ups and downs when it comes to their level of self worth. And while this could be something they have become accustomed to, it has got nothing to do with the ebb and flow of life. Normal This is not the same as when one starts a new job or when a relationship comes to an end and they doubt their abilities or value as a human being, for example. In the first case, one might be doing something they haven’t done before and so it is normal to experience discomfort. And in the second example, one is no longer with the person they were with and the other person is no longer there to affirm them. So to question ones value for a short time is a normal part of experiencing loss. Up And Down When one feels up one moment and down the next, their career could be factor as could their relationships. But while feeling doubt or experiencing loss may have a momentary affect on one’s self worth, it is unlikely to cause them to feel completely worthless. That is unless one doesn’t have a healthy level of self worth and swings between feeling really good and really bad. If this is the case, it might not matter what is taking place in their life, as the same inner experience can occur. Extremes One then doesn’t have the odd moment where they feel down or up or even experience a slight variation in how they feel, how they feel about themselves dramatically changes from one moment to the next. It is then practically impossible for them to maintain their self worth and to be consistent in how they behave. This might be how they have always experienced life, and it is then part of life and something they have had to put up with. Two Options During those moments when one feels good, it is likely to be a wonderful experience. They are ready to take on the world and to face their challenges head on. Here, one can feel strong, capable, and confident and as though they deserve what life has to offer. If this was how one generally experienced life it would be fine, but this is nothing more than the calm before the storm. When they no longer feel this way, they’re unlikely to feel centred and at peace and they could feel as though they don’t deserve to exist. Avoidance That’s if they allow themselves to experience the thoughts and feelings that appear during these moments; as they might end up engaging in some kind of escape or have a certain addiction. Through this, one is able to repress what is taking place within them and to feel better. After this, they might end up feeling on top of the world again and then before long, the same thing can happen all over again. And all the time one avoids how they feel, they’re not going to be able to change their life. What’s Going On? When one feels good about themselves it is going mean that they have repressed how they feel at a deeper level. And when one feels bad about themselves it is going to mean that how they feel has risen to the surface. If one faces how they feel they’re likely to experience shame, but this is not healthy shame, it is toxic shame. And this is what is causing one to feel as though they are worthless. A Parasite One may have experienced verbal, physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse as a child and/or as an adult. However, while one’s mind may have disconnected from what took place and have no recollection of what happened, the shame they felt during these moments has stayed trapped in their body. And like parasite, it has infiltrated ones whole being and one then ends up believing that it reflects their true nature. This toxic shame, along with the other feelings that are in the body, will need to be faced and released. The assistance of a therapist or a healer is likely to be needed hear. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If one is in a position where they’re pleasing other people from time to time, it is unlikely to have a negative effect on their life. However, when one pleases other people as a way of life it is going to have a negative effect on their life. And while it is harming their life and stopping them from meeting their own needs, it could be normal. It is then not something that happens on the odd occasion, it is something that has become a way of life. Part Of Life One might be aware of what is taking place or they might be unaware of what is taking place. And this can depend on how long one has put the needs of others before their own. If one has experienced this for a certain period of time, they may have resigned themselves to a life of pleasing others. Based on this outlook, it is not possible for them to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. There is then no hope and this is going to be hard for one to handle. The outlook that they have is not just an outlook, it is how their life is. Focus It then won’t matter what their needs are or how they feel, as the needs and feelings of others are going to take precedence. Ones focus is not on what is taking place internally and what is taking place externally; it is primarily focused on what is taking place externally. This is not to say that one is completely oblivious to what is taking place within them; this would be an inaccurate assessment. While one might be out of touch with what they want and how they truly feel, they are likely to be aware of the need to please other people. On Top On the inside, one could be aware of the pressure they feel to please others and what arises when they try to please themselves. This could include fear and anxiety and one could feel that they have no control. And if one is not aware how they feel, they might just end up wondering why they behave as they do. How they feel during the moment when they feel compelled to please others is then a mystery, but they then end up confused once the moment has passed. Happiness While it is not going to be possible for one to always please themselves, there are going to be moments when it is. This is going to allow one to live a life that reflects what is true for them and because of this; it is going to be a lot easier for one to feel happy in life. However, when one lives a life when they rarely, if ever, please themselves, it is going to be a challenge for them to live a life that reflects what is true for them. They’re going to be experts when it comes to fulfilling the needs of other people, but the same can’t be said when it comes to fulfilling their own needs. A Momentary Boost This doesn’t necessarily mean that one will always be unhappy, as the approval they get from other people is likely to give them a boost. Through doing the right things, this approval could consistently appear from other people. There is the chance that one’s real feelings and needs and the pain they feel as a result of not fulfilling them, is then kept at bay by the external approval that they receive. Ones true self is then unable to see the light of day and has ended up being overshadowed by a false self. False Self It is clear that this false self is not aiding their life and that it is causing them to sacrifice their own well-being. But this might be what feels comfortable, whereas if one was to put their needs first, it might feel uncomfortable. This shows that one is not working with themselves, they’re working against themselves. And while one may have got used to living life in this way, they were not born like it. Their false self is something they have developed as a result of the experiences they have had. Experiences These experiences are going to include what has happened in their adult years and what happened during their childhood years. And while ones adult experiences are not to be overlooked, it is often what took place during their younger years that will have set them up to please other people. What happens to them as an adult is then a continuation of what took place during the beginning of their life. And while it is not allowing them to live their true, it is what feels safe at a deeper level. Associations During these years, one would have formed certain associations around pleasing others. If they did what others wanted, it would have enabled them to survive. At this age, pleasing the people around them would have been a matter of life or death. This usually happens when one ends up taking care of their caregivers needs and their needs end up being overlooked. A role reversal has then taken place and although one needs to have their needs met, they have to take care of the needs of others. Awareness One has then been conditioned to please other people and until they feel that it is safe to please themselves, they will continue to put other people first. The associations that were formed all those years ago around ones needs will need to be questioned. From here, one might find that it is possible for them to change their behaviour, if this is not enough, it might mean that the emotional experiences of their past have remained trapped in their body. And as these are processed, one will no longer feel the need to please others. The assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of coach may be required. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When it comes to how someone sees themselves, the term ‘self image’ is often used. And the image that one has of themselves doesn’t have to reflect reality in any way; this is because there are no limits when it comes to how one can see themselves, but this doesn’t mean that one’s self image is empowering. One could have all kinds of ideas about who they are and while they could enhance their life, they could also end up sabotaging their level of happiness and success. For instance, one person could believe they are a certain way and another person could wonder how this person has come to believe such a thing. But even though another person doesn’t agree with how one sees themselves, it doesn’t mean that one is therefore deluding themselves. The other person could be someone who is trying to hold one back or it could relate to instance where they are aware of how one is holding themselves back. Change So while there is the chance that one’s self image is supportive and life enhancing, there is also the chance that it isn’t. And the image that one has of themselves might be empowering at one point in time but as time passes, it might disempowering. Fortunately, the image one has is not fixed and can be changed whenever one wants to change it. This is not always understood though; as one could believe that how they see themselves is the truth. It is then not a collection of ideas that one has, it is their true nature. Second Hand There is the chance that one has chosen the self image that they have. In this case, one is going to be on their own side and this is going to make their life a lot easier. However, one could also have a self image that they haven’t chosen and it is then second hand. There is then the chance that one is their own worst enemy and this is going to make their life a lot harder than it needs to be. Influences The self image that one has can be the result of: what their childhood was like, the kind of people they spend their time with and the culture of the country they live in, amongst other things. And while one is always going to be influenced by what it taking place eternally, it doesn’t mean that they have no control over what they come to accept as the truth. What this emphasis is how important it is for one to be aware of how they sees themselves. If one is aware it will give them the chance to change their self image, but this option is not going to be there if they not aware. Accepted Or Rejected So when one creates their own self image and has an idea of themselves that is supportive and empowering, they will know what to accept and what to reject. One can also engage in activities or spend time with people who will support how they see themselves. If one has a self image that is harming their life, there is the chance that they will spend time around people and do things that are no good for them. And this could be something that has taken place for quiet some time. Approval And once one has formed a certain image, it can be hard to change it and that’s not because it is having a positive impact on their life. What it can come down to, is how this is what feels safe at a deeper level. How one behaves, as a result of the self image that they have, is going to lead to a certain amount of approval. So if one was to change their self image and therefore their behaviour, it could lead to rejection. It is easy to fear the worst or to believe that other people will no longer accept who one is and these might not reflect reality. And while it is easy to assume the worst, there is the chance that people will react negatively or pull away when one changes who they are. Self Support So as there are going to be times when there is external opposition, it is going to be important for one to support themselves. To be on their own side and to have an inner dialogue where one is kind, loving and supportive. Not only will there be thoughts that can get in the way of one having a positive self image, there can also be feelings. And this is because ones feelings are not always created by their thoughts. Feelings One could feel a certain way and then their mind could interpret how they feel to mean something. The meaning that the mind creates, as a result of how one feels, can end up sabotaging their chance of forming a healthy self image. Examples The meaning that the mind creates is also going to depend on the context that one is in. So let’s say that one decides to put their needs first and because of this, they end up feeling guilty or ‘bad’. Here, one could end up believing that they are bad and that it’s wrong to put their needs first. It is then going to be a challenge for one to form a healthy self image when it comes to their needs. One could try something new and they could end up feeling overwhelmed and anxious. This could then cause one develop a self image that is based around them being incapable and that they lack the ability to try new things. Awareness So how one feels can end up defining how one sees themselves and although they are only feelings, they can be seen as the truth. What this shows is how important it is to observe how one feels and as opposed to letting ones feelings take over. If one does have feelings that are having a negative impact on their self image, it could mean that one has some emotional work to do. And as the emotional experiences of their past have been processed, one’s body and mind can start to work together. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are going to be times in one’s life where their external reality mirrors back to them exactly what they want to experience and then there are going to be times when this doesn’t happen. And these experiences can end up defining not only how one feels, but also what they believe about themselves and about life in general. So as what is taking place in the external world is so powerful, it is only natural that one would always want to have experiences that were life affirming. This way, one is going to experience reality in a way that supports who they are; instead of having experiences where they don’t feel supported or validated for instance. Reality However, it doesn’t take much reflection to realise that this is not how life works. Of course, it is wonderful to have experiences that are supportive and nourishing. But while this might sound like the ideal way to experience life, it would soon lose its appeal. For it is not when everything is perfect that one’s grows; it is when they are facing challenges and they are no longer comfortable. It is under such pressure that one is able to develop and to expand into a greater version of who they are. Ideal Experiences So then, when one is in an environment where other people validate who they are and give them the feedback they need in order to feel worthy, they are not going to be any problems. One will be able to feel good and they will believe that they are valuable. On one side then, there will be how one feels and then there will be the beliefs that one creates as a result of how they feel and due to what is taking place externally. And when one believes they are valuable, the more likely they are to be around others who validate this belief. Less Than Ideal There are going to be moments when one has experiences that challenge their value. And how one responds can depend on how strong their belief is in themselves, how challenging these moments are and how often they occur. If one believes they are valuable, they are naturally going to be more resilient than someone who doesn’t. When these moments are really challenging, they are going to be harder to handle than if they were not. And if these challenges happen on a regular basis, they are going to be hander to handle than if they were irregular. Dependent The challenges are going to arise when one is completely depend on the external world when it comes to how worthy they are. Here, ones value is going to constantly fluctuate as a result of the experiences that they have. One may be in a position where they always look towards other people and not even realise that there is another way. This could be something they do without even thinking about it; it is then unconscious and can therefore appear to be out of their control. Futile If it was possible for one to always have experiences where their value was recognised by others, it wouldn’t matter if one always looked towards other people to define their self worth. But as this is not possible, it will only create unnecessary suffering and stop one from being able to develop their self worth. What is deemed as valuable by one person won’t always be seen in the same way by another person and vice versa. And at times, people will be negative and do their best to destroy another person’s self worth. Transitory So at times ones external world will be affirming at and times it won’t and yet, these experiences are likely to be transitory. They don’t reflect ones true value and this is because it is inherent and is not something that can be taken away from them. What this emphasises is how important it is for one to own their own value and not to give it away to other people. When one lets other people define how valuable they are, they are giving their power away. Self Worth Once one realises their worth is not defined by their external circumstances, they will no longer need to get attached to what happens externally. But before one can realise this, they may need to have their value mirrored back to them. And this is because human beings are interdependent and therefore need to be recognised as valuable in the eyes of another in order to feel valuable. For some people, this takes place during their childhood and for others it is something that happens with the assistance of a mentor or healer later in life. Sense Of Self When one has not been affirmed in this way, they can end up having an undeveloped sense of self. And the part of them that wasn’t affirmed will continue to look towards other people to give them what they haven’t received. So once one has been affirmed, they will no longer be dependent on what happens externally. And this is because they will have developed their inner value and this will enable them to be more resilient. Awareness One can be affirmed by a coach, mentor, healer or some kind of body worker. What matters is that one no longer allows their experiences to define how worthy they are. Assistance is available, one only needs to take the first step and to find what works for them. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While no two people on the planet will view themselves in the same way, there are going to be people who have a self image that empowers them and there will also be people who have a self image that doesn’t empower them. And ones self image is something that can change as time goes by and is therefore not static. How one sees themselves at one point in their life could enhance their life and at another time, it could cause them to feel limited and/or incapable. Whereas, if one’s self image doesn’t empower them to begin with, unless they change it, they are not going to feel any different. Change So while one person can believe that how they see themselves is who they are, there are going to be other people who realise that this is not the case. Here, one is going to know that their self image can be changed at any point. And through having this understanding, one is going to feel more empowered than someone who believes their self image is set in stone. To have this outlook means that nothing can be done about how they see themselves. The Truth It is then not an idea that they have about who they are or what their capable of, it is the truth of who they are. To have this belief is not going to enhance their wellbeing or allow them to achieve what they want to achieve in life. They could end up feeling as though they have to settle for what life gives them. And when other people have a self image that supports them, they could be seen as having something they don’t. Self Image When it comes to the self image that one has, it is going to be a result of how other people have seen them from the moment they were born or how one has decided to see themselves. What this means is that one’s self image could be something one has defined themselves, or it could be something that others have defined for them. This is not going to be black and white though, as even if one has defined it themselves, they are still going to be influenced by others. Interdependent No one is their own island after all; we are all shaped by others in ways that we are aware and in ways that we are unaware of. But just because one is influenced by others, it doesnt mean that they have to allow others to completely define them. From Birth For some people, their childhood would have been a time where they received the feedback they needed to form an empowering self image. And this caused them to feel worthy, capable and supported for who they are, amongst other things. And then there are going to be other people who didn’t receive the feedback they needed to create an empowering self image. As a result of this, they would have ended up feeling unworthy, incapable and that they are not supported when it comes to being who they truly are. As Time Goes By So if one has had a healthy self image from birth, it may stay with them for the rest of their life. This doesn’t mean they won’t have moments when it is put under extreme pressure or even shattered, but what it does mean is that it is likely to give them the resilience that they need to handle the ups and down of life. And when it wasnt possible for someone to develop a healthy self image during their childhood years, it doesn’t mean that one is therefore unable to create one as an adult. What it does mean is that one is going to be more vulnerable to certain things. Defined By Others It could mean that one finds it difficult to define who they are and allows other people to do it. And this is going to mean that they are unable to live the kind of life they want and to achieve the things they want to achieve. One may feel accepted through letting others define them, but it is going to be at a cost. Their real needs and wants are going to end up being ignored and therefore unfulfilled. Taking Control The good thing is that it is never too late for someone to take control of their self image and to define who they are going to be. This might not be something that is going to be supported or encouraged by the people one usually associates with, but this is to be expected. Their acceptance is likely to be based on one behaving in a certain way, and when one changes, it could make them feel uncomfortable. But what is more important: matching up to other people’s expectations or living a life that reflects who one really is? As one changes who they are, the people they are drawn to and attract is going to change. And in their mind, they are not going to know any different and so they are unlikely to have the same need for one to change. Awareness If one feels that they need some kind of support with this, then it is important that they reach out for it. The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach can make this process a lot easier.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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